D Compress’s blog

Here is my most recent diabetes gripe:

Hey type 1 diabetics -  not all insulin resistant diabetics are that way because they sat on their ass all day eating bon bons!

When I was diagnosed with diabetes,I was an athlete that had just had surgery on each knee.  Best guess from my doctors is that something about the surgeries or bed rest just turned my body off to its insulin.  I hate the insinuation that a type 2 diabetic could never be an athlete or normal weight.  Of course now - with all the insulin that is being pumped into me, now it does look like I sit on the couch eating bon bons all day.

Oh cruel irony!

Here is the deal, this is, my fourth blog.  I can barely keep up with the other three so this one has been getting NO attention at all.  Now my home improvement blog has been getting lots of attention from me.  Probably due to the fact that home improvement has been getting a lot more attention than diabetes the past 6 months.

I think I have officially become the world's worst diabetic, on top of a blog abandoner.  Some days I don't even know why I keep hooked into the insulin pump considering that i don't even bother bolusing.  Seriously.  If anyone is reading this, especially if they are diabetic, I know it is cringe-worthy.  It started out as a really nasty experiment - basically I decided that I needed the problems that high blood sugar causes to dissuade me from eating so much crap.

God - I feel like a jerk just saying it but it really made sense at the time, plus, I was so sick of getting fat from all this insulin that I thought it would be a good way to balance it out.  Now, fast forward to a few months later and not taking care of myself has just become a nasty habit.  I don't feel good - I am having trouble speaking and typing (not great in my line of work since about all I do is lead meetings and work on a computer) but I can't seem to get back in the swing of things.

Ugh - it is miserable

I just had a piece of pecan pie and, I swear, there is no amount of insulin that can make me feel better right now.  I knew I shouldn't but I LOVE pecan pie.  Which is precisely why I never buy or make it but when my boss handed out pieces to everyone - how was I supposed to say no?

Holiday Eating

I read the diabetesmine blog a lot.  For the most part, I really like the way that Amy Tenderich writes about diabetes but since her blog is so public (aside from her blog, she also writes for dLife and other diabetic publications), I think sometimes there is a tendency to be too positive about things.  For instance, today she linked over to a survey in her dLife column about how diabetics handle holiday eating.  It just seemed so unrealistic to me and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Then, as I was starting to write this, I figured it out - Amy writes assuming that everyone is at least TRYING to be a good diabetic. 

Here is the thing, and I am fully willing to admit it.  I do not even TRY to be a good diabetic on Thankgiving or Christmas and probably a couple of days in between.  I will admit that I push it to the absolute limit on what I can handle without getting REALLY sick or using so much insulin that my prescription will run out too early.  Maybe that makes me an asshole, but in this time of gift giving, I seriously can't think of a bigger gift to myself then just not having to worry about it for a day or two.  Will I have to worry about it the next day?  Sure, especially when I wake up and can barely even see but, for me, it is totally worth it.

Thin

This weekend I watched the HBO documentary about girls with eating disorders, THIN.  I hate to say this but I couldn't help but admire these girl's self control.  I have a diabetic friend who says that being diabetic is basically like having an eating disorder because you have to devote the same amount of time and paranoia into what you put in your mouth.  I think I agree but instead of denying yourself or "restricting" as anorexics call it, it goes the other way and you indulge, when you are supposed to restrict.  Where is our inpatient treatment facility?

Although we weren't married at the time, my husband has known me the entire time I have been a diabetic.  He has never shown much interest in learning anything about diabetes.  Most of the time that is fine, I kind of like to do my own thing and not be hassled anyway, but there are times when it is extremely annoying.  Here is a recent list:

• When I test in public, he makes a face, like he thinks I am doing it for attention.
• When I talk about diabetes with my diabetic friend, he immediately tries to change the subject because he can't be part of the conversation.
• When I go low and he says one or both of the following things:
• "Do you need insulin?"
• "You're not supposed to eat candy"

Seriously, every single time he says one of these things and of course, because I am slightly out of my mind at the time, I am always convinced that he is trying to kill me.  He's not, but you do think he would care enough to find out the basic fundamentals.  I know there will be a time where I go so low that I can't do anything for myself - I just pray that he dials 911 instead of trying to do something himself because, sadly, I don't trust him.

• He gets to spend all his money on toys and ebay crap, while every extra dime I have goes to healthcare supplies.
• He had no idea what he should be eating, often asking me (after putting it in his mouth), "Is this healthy?", yet he will gladly sit in judgement of everything I eat.

It is frustrating.  I really feel like there is potential for our relatively new marriage to come to an end if he doesn't get it together on some level.  When it comes to my diabetes, I feel like he can only be bothered to care as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in anyway.

This is a warning.  This blog may be a little whiney, as many blogs are.  I hope, at least, that it will be whiney with some sort of purpose.  Maybe other people like me will read it and not feel so alone or disenfranchised by the other information they find about diabetes and diabetics on the web.  I have searched the web looking for a D voice similar to mine and have yet to find one.  So when you can't find what you need, well you just have to make it.

I am totally sick of people being perky and upbeat about their diabetes.  I am sick of perky commericals.  I am sick of the freestyle meter's (which I use, btw) assertion that because it needs less blood, it is less painful that other meters.  Sounds great but the lancet is the same size as any other.  I prick my finger no differently for the freestyle than the one touch.

I am a type 2, I am insulin resistant - my body is still making (precious little) insulin and I have no auto immune disease attacking my pancreas.  Other than that, I am as baffling a mystery as any type 1 out there.  All blood tests up to 3 months before my diagonsis sugested nothing wrong with my blood glucose levels, I was at my lowest adult weight ever - though not perfect, I was probably only 25 lbs overweight.  One day I started getting sick, and then I got sicker and sicker and 3 weeks later my eyesight was so bad, I got lost in a store.  When I went to the ER, my bg was 460 and thus began the trek through the world of diabetes.  After a string of family docs giving me one or two pills, I was finally referred to an endo where, it was discovered that my body wasn't responding to any medication typically given to a type 2 diabetic - I went through Glucophage - nope, Actos - Nope, Glucotrol - nope, Amaryl - Nope, Byetta - not that either.  My liver was not interested in producing less sugar, my pancreas was not interested in producing more insulin and my cells were not becoming less resistant.  And whatever the hell byetta does when it keeps your post meal bg from spiking - my body wasn't giving in there either.

So less that two years post diagnosis I am on an insulin pump and gaining weight at rapid speed.  Sometimes it makes me angry.  Sometimes people (family and stranger's alike) frustrate with their nonsensical comments.  Sometimes, things are going great and I think "this being a diabetic isn't so bad."  I hope to put all those thoughts here.  So back to my warning - there will be more of the "darker" truths about living with diabetes that I just haven't found in other blogs.

I don't want to be a downer - I just want to be real with it and I don't want to pretend that I am a better diabetic than I am or that it is easier than it is.